North Wales mum opens up on mental health issues brought on by abuse of ex-partner

A North Wales mum who suffered years of abuse from an ex-partner has spoken out after support workers stopped her from taking her own life.

Debra, who is in her twenties and whose identity is protected, says she owes her life to support workers from Home Start’s ‘Rapid Response Project’ in Wrexham after considering suicide.

The network of trained volunteers work with families who have experienced abuse or other trauma to help reduce isolation as well as improve parenting confidence and resilience.

The project recently received a grant worth £8,843 from North Wales Police and Crime Commissioner Arfon Jones to help provide support for families affected by domestic abuse.

Debra, who is now applying for a university place to become a support worker herself, said the abuse intensified after the birth of her first child.

“I didn’t really realise it was negative, I thought it was what a relationship was because it was what I’d grown up with,” she said. “My dad was violent towards my mum as he was an alcoholic.

“I didn’t realise until I’d left the relationship that I’d been abused by him mentally, physically and sexually. Anything could set my ex-partner off. He could lose his car keys and my house would be turned upside down, I’d have to replace all the furniture as he’d smash it up.

“He used to put me up against the wall with his hand around my throat and scream in my face to intimidate me.

“I got to the point where I knew I had to get out. I knew I had to protect my son and I couldn’t do that while still there.

“I’m emotionally scarred from my own up-bringing – I didn’t want to do that to my son. My son has seen some awful things and I’m hoping he will never remember because he was so young.”

Debra continued to suffer with acute anxiety after leaving the relationship, but was put in touch with Home Start and started receiving regular visits from Jo Mercer, the scheme’s organiser.

“I got to the point where I couldn’t do anything with my son,” she added. “My four walls became my safety net but it was killing me inside.

“I’d lost all confidence in everything, even myself. Going into the garden was a push for me.

“Jo came every couple of weeks for a chat and I’d make her a coffee. She got to know me and my son and I built up a friendship with her.

“Then I became more confident going out. We’d go for a walk and take my son out.

“At that time, my anxiety had got so bad I was drowning in debt. We did it bit by bit but she rang all the companies and spoke on my behalf to set up a repayment scheme and now I’m out of debt.”

Debra said her life-changing moment came when Jo persuaded her to attend a parenting course where she met others in her position, creating a new social network for herself.

She said: “I would’ve killed myself, and my son would be motherless, if it wasn’t for them. I would’ve ended it all.

“I owe everything to Women’s Aid and Home Start. I would recommend both organisations to anyone who truly wants to change.

“I can honestly say I am now happy to be alive every single day. I’m in a new relationship and I’m thankful for every single day.”

Arfon Jones said: “This project is a shining example of the value support workers play in the long-term recovery of survivors of domestic abuse. This will ultimately encourage more victims to come forward for help.

“As this tragic case shows, the emotional scars of abuse do not end once a partner leaves a violent relationship – the psychological damage can many take years to overcome.

“Making sure survivors have access to practical support to help them deal with some of the challenges life can bring is absolutely vital which is why I am determined to ensure organisations such as Home Start have the necessary resources to help more vulnerable victims in this situation.

“Home Start’s intervention really is saving lives and equipping victims and survivors with the tools and feelings of self-worth they need to prevent these experiences recurring in the future.”

Jo Mercer says many of their workers have previous experience working with victims of abuse.

She said: “Debra really turned her life around. She took every opportunity she was given by the organisation and wanted to make life better for her and her children. Not everybody is in the right place to do that.

“It’s incredibly rewarding when you see these kinds of results; someone who comes to you shy and who wouldn’t speak to anybody, someone who didn’t recognise the things they were experiencing were not what they deserved. When you’re able to encourage somebody to communicate and be more honest so you can get them the right support and help keep them and their children safe it’s everything.

“What we’ve found with younger women is almost a belief that this is what men do. If we can break the cycle so young women do not expect to be treated in this way or the way parents were then this is really, really important. It’s vital we have funding to continue that work.

“The thing with domestic abuse is that it doesn’t matter if it’s psychological, sexual or physical, it will leave a scar and just because you have left that partner it doesn’t mean it’s all over. Many mums say to us ‘he’s still in my head’. We are trying to be that other voice and giving them balance, reason and motivation to know they are making progress.”

For more information about Home Start, go to their website – www.homestartwrexham.com/.